I have been doing a lot of thinking about things lately. About family and friends and just life in general. In fact I have been thinking so much about these things that I have taken to locking myself in my bedroom and watching my favorite show on repeat just to avoid thinking about it. But it seems that the Gods have something else in store, because I cannot escape the thoughts. Everything I hear, see, or do makes me think about something. It's really weird, you know, to go from thinking about nothing to being inundated with thoughts...and it actually kinda hurts my brain sometimes.
I keep thinking about how I left things with certain people. Which is an excersize in futility because I know that I either will not be forgiven, or have already been forgotten by them. I can only sit and hope that they find the happiness that they deserve in this life. Then there are those who have no idea how much they have affected my life. And no matter how I try I can never seem to find the right words in which to tell them how grateful I am for having had them in my life. And there are those select few that I tell I love them everytime I talk to them, but I fear they do not know how deep that love goes. And the one that I have in my life who is soley responsible for pulling me out of a gutter...there never seems to be the words to tell her how grateful I am for that. And then there is my soldier, the man I think of as both a son and a brother. He will never fully understand, or comprehend, the depth of my love and gratitude for him. I can tell him until I am blue in the face how proud I am of the man that he has become, but he will never understand the depths I put into those words.
And my family, how do I tell them all the things I want to tell them? How do I tell my entire family how angry I am at them for all of the things that they put me and my mother through? Does it even matter at this point if I ever tell them? Part of getting past the hurt, and the anger, is closure right? Well, if that's true then I should be able to tell them how I feel. But there is so much anger inside of me I wouldn't know where to start. Do I start with the pursecution and judgment, or do I start with all of the lies and false accusations? Even my own mother and sister are not free from this anger. Although I have to admit that my sister has made her amends and accepted the things that she cannot change. But the anger towards my mother flourishes everytime she tells me that she prays for my soul. How can she speak of acceptance and forgiveness with the same forked tongue that spews judgment and damnation.
And then the thoughts twirl around my head regarding my life. Twenty eight years old and I hardly have anything but debts to show for my life. Because of my sordid past and the person that I used to be I can't seem to get a leg up in this world. And just when I think things are turning around and my life is heading down the right path my past jumps out of no where and bites me in the ass. I am no where near proud of the person that I used to be, nor the things that I have done. But I know that without that part of my life I would not have the strength to keep fighting. And yet even with this knowledge there are times that I wonder if it would just be easier to quietly slip out of this world. There is a part of me that thinks it would be easier if I simply fell asleep and did not wake up. But logic tells me that I should stick it through and slowly claw my way to where I want to be. That I should endure all of the things that the Fates have in store for me.
And you know even with all of the thoughts that go through my head I have absolutely no body to talk with about them. I am either told to quit being emo, getting tuned out, or just flat ignored. The one person that I know I would be able to talk to about all of this is currently working on her own life issues and does not need to be bothered with my worried. And even if I could talk to her it would not be the same because of the distance currently between us. These are the days that I wish I had someone close to me that would just hold me and let me vent...yet another issue dwelling in the depths of my thoughts.
Signing out,
~ME
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